you wonder why i'm bitter?!?
an exploration into complex emotions, titled off chappell roan's exceptional lyricism
in this stage of my desperate job hunt and rapid descent into existentialism, i’ve recently fallen down a love island usa rabbit hole. this season of the reality dating show is some of the best ‘unscripted’ tv i’ve seen in years. the drama is messy, the betrayals are brutal, and the sisterhood of the women in the villa is, on the other hand, incredibly uplifting. so, as i spent my post fourth of july hangover day binging this absolutely insane unfolding of events, it’s led me to reflect on some big, societal-level matters — specifically on the collective public perception of bitterness. which i thought was a perfect discussion point for a substack newsletter. so, here we go.
a scene i feel is all too familiar on this season of love island are confrontations where someone is being labelled as immature for getting emotional or angry in an argument. often, it’s the exaggerated and stereotypical portrayal of the irrational, scorned woman who can’t keep a rein on her feelings. i find myself increasingly frustrated watching these encounters because i’m thinking to myself: “of course, she’s upset! you treated her poorly and then made her feel inferior for having feelings about it!” and in my sometimes-exceeding righteous indignation, it feels justified to be bitter while i’m watching these moments. if you search up bitterness online, you’ll probably find a few articles regarding coffee recipes (lol), but also articles on how holding onto grudges and being bitter only hurts yourself. both great resources, sure. but i think we are missing the nuances of how bitterness, a lot of the time, is not only understandable, but even expected.
the perception of bitterness varies greatly across racial and gender lines; and minority groups often bear the brunt of the negative pigeonholing and stereotyping accompanied with the emotion. now, i can’t speak for everyone, but can express my personal feelings and experiences on the subject — so i will now lol. i’m making grand generalizations here, but i’ve noticed typically, i, and lots of others (particularly women), don’t erupt in rage or keep to a lifelong grudge after one incidence. that it’s, instead, a steady accumulation of wounds that eventually boil over. i think we are taught (from greater society, religion, family, community, etc.) that getting angry and holding grudges is wrong, immoral, or incorrect. however, it’s exactly that suppression of the lingering anger that leads to bitterness.
bitterness is unique from anger in that it’s characterized by the feelings of resentment, frustration, and/or disappointment from being treating wrongly or unfairly.1 i was once told by a therapist that i have a ‘justice complex’, meaning when i find something unfair, be it within myself, with others, or hypothetical situations, i get extremely distressed. it’s not a great thing all the time, i’ll be honest. especially when we live in a world where i’ve learned to understand that “life’s not fair”. however, it’s this exact complex that allows me to feel things deeply and practice empathy. i am thankful for it in the end. even if the harsh feelings that come with it are disagreeable and leave me prone to bitterness.
okay so, chappell roan’s song ‘causal’ has a great lyric, in which this newsletter edition is named after, where she says “you wonder why i’m bitter?” it’s one of those simple yet stunning lines where the meaning of the phrase can be changed based on what word you emphasize: you wonder why i’m bitter? YOU wonder why i’m bitter? you WONDER why i’m bitter? you wonder WHY i’m bitter? you wonder why I’M bitter? you wonder why i’m BITTER? YOU WONDER WHY I’M BITTER?
i’ve seen many a tiktok recently using this lyric as the audio; and i’ve come to the conclusion that these deep-seeded feelings of bitterness are not unique to one person or group. it’s a collective experience. we’ve all felt that we’ve been unfairly wronged before. so, of course, these moments would leave of us hurt and hesitant in the future. how could they not? so why do we still view bitterness as ‘wrong’ when we all feel it?
when we demonize bitterness, it quickly becomes a problem because it leads those feeling this way to suppress/brush over/ignore their feelings in fear of being perceived negatively. no one likes experiencing or even seeing someone else experience an uncomfortable emotion, but we are, after all, human. so, we’re going to have uncomfortable, messy, ugly human emotions. the sooner we recognize that this disorder and mess are the nature of the human condition, the sooner we can better react to these adjacent feelings.
what i find important for myself is to let myself experience and dare i say, sulk, in the ‘bad’ feelings. i put bad in quotes because even the unsightly, less-desirable emotions still serve a purpose. if i don’t allow myself to feel the emotions ever, i’ll stay in the bitterness forever. like any feeling, they should all be temporary. by experiencing every sensation in its fullness (for a designated period of time), i can remain soft and kind. even in my recurrent self-loathing and insecurity, i really love that i am someone who wears their heart on their sleeve (i quite literally have a mini heart tattoo on my arm for this reason). that despite the small and large tribulations i have faced in my 23 years, i continue to be full of love to give, even when i get bitter or angry.
this newsletter is not to say that you should remain bitter, get angry inappropriately, or lash out — what i’m trying to get at is that we should not vilify ourselves for being human and feeling human emotions. an author and educator with pieces in Psychology Today says it effectively in her analysis of anger, stating: “anger and violence are not the same things and in my case, feeling anger means I’ve refused to let what happened to me become normalized. It never should have happened.”2
so, i could easily ruminate in bitterness — i mean, who couldn’t? but little things like hearing about it in song lyrics or seeing the love island ladies this season candidly feel all the feels, helps me remember to keep everything in balance. and that making bitter coffee sometimes is actually a refreshing drink to start the day.
you’ve made it to the end, now go get yourself a treat. thanks and love!
xoxo may queen, seeyalatercater, cate
p.s episode 4 of house of the dragon last night was INSANELY good, so…..
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The Difference Between Anger And Bitterness In Divorce | Clare Piro Mediation. www.clarepiromediation.com. Accessed July 8, 2024. https://www.clarepiromediation.com/blog/the-difference-between-anger-and-bitterness-in-divorce/166/
The Power and Purpose of Anger | Psychology Today. www.psychologytoday.com. Accessed July 8, 2024. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/after-trauma/202208/the-power-and-purpose-anger